I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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