My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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