There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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