I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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