you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
