I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
