I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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