remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
