So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
