I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
