he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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