My Higher Power is John Stamos
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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