oh god the rape fog is back!
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
