Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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