I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
