on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I think I sprained my soul last night
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
