I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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