I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
