nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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