You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
