i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
