My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
