Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
