I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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