im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
