The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
