i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Randomize
