Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Randomize
