someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
