Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
