my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
please come you make the beer taste better
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
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