Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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