btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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