I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
