Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
