even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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