Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
