My friends, they love my intelligence
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
