i would punch a child for taco bell
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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