My room smells like vodka and shame
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
