Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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