How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
