so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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