Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
