You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
