If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
