So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
