It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
