you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
