the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
