the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
