I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
